


Susan, In a Glass, Darkly

by Laparoscopic



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: Child Abuse (Implied), Little Suze, Molestation (implied), Therapy, multiple trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-23 06:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16613387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laparoscopic/pseuds/Laparoscopic
Summary: Susan comes to some unwelcome realizations while working with Dr. Tannen.





	Susan, In a Glass, Darkly

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE HEED THE ARCHIVE WARNINGS AND TAGS.**

Susan hit a lull in her therapy session with Dr. Tannen, and something that had happened recently came back to mind. “Elliot…asked me a…thought provoking question yesterday.”

“Oh? What was that?” asked Dr. Tannen.

“He asked me when was the last time I saw my father.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“At the divorce proceedings, in court. He seemed surprised it had been so long.”

“And how was that thought provoking?”

Susan frowned and stared at her hands, knotted in her lap. “Because…it made realize…made me _feel_ like…I should have made some effort to see him. Or at least contact him. Especially now that I’m an adult. I could see him if I wished.” She frowned. “If I could get my mother to tell me where he is, now.”

“Have you asked her?”

Susan snorted. “No. There wouldn’t be any point to it.”

“Why not?”

“Even if she knew, I doubt she’d tell me.”

“Even though you are an adult now, able to make your own decisions?”

“I’m not sure she’d see me that way. Especially where my father was concerned.”

“You can’t know until you ask.”

“I…” Susan frowned, then shook her head. “No. I don’t want to discuss it with my mother. I don’t think she’d tell me, and all it would do is cause friction between us.”

“Hmm.”

“What, you think I should ask her?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Susan rolled her eyes. “Please. Your therapeutic ‘ _hmm_ ’ is loaded with meaning.”

“Perhaps. Or maybe I was just clearing my throat.” He coughed gently.

Susan laughed. “Either way. I’m not going to talk with her about it. It sounds too messy, too painful, with too little chance of a payoff.”

“Very well.”

“Good.” Though Susan wondered why it didn’t _feel_ good. She thought about the last time she’d seen her father. “I’ve never told anyone aside from you the real story of what my father did.”

“You’ve never told anyone at all?”

“I’ve told friends that he cheated on her. That I caught them at it. Just…not any details.”

“What exactly have you shared with others?”

Susan stared at the floor and shrugged. “Various things. I told Sarah I was insomniac, and went to my parents’ room to ask him to read me a story. I think I told Justin I was thirsty and looking to get a drink of water.”

“What actually happened?”

Susan looked up at Dr. Tannen and frowned. “You know what happened.”

He nodded. “Yes, but I would be interested in hearing how you remember it now. As an adult.”

Susan considered that for a moment, then nodded. “All right.” She closed her eyes, remembering, then opened them and said, “I don’t really recall why I was awake. If I was thirsty, or insomniac, or just needing to use the bathroom. But I went to my parents’ room, and opened the door.” She paused, her expression growing inward. Little Suze flew over to her and landed on her knee, looking up at her with an expression of concern on its little face. Susan smiled at the external manifestation of her subconscious. “Hey, brat,” she said quietly. The fairy doll gave her a brief smile at that, but continued to look concerned.

“What did you see when you opened the door?” asked Dr. Tannen after several more moments of silence.

Susan looked away from Little Suze to Dr. Tannen. “I told Sarah and Justin that I found my father hugging a young blonde woman.”

Dr. Tannen nodded. “And is that what you actually saw?”

“No. Of course not.” Little Suze flew up to sit on her shoulder. It leaned against Susan’s head, a tiny version of a hug. Susan was startled to realize that her pulse was elevated, and she took a deep breath to try and calm down.

“He wasn’t ‘hugging’ her, of course. They were…on the bed. Having…sex.” She shuddered and fell silent as she tried to once again repress the image that had been burned into her young brain. The young woman on her hands and knees. The sound of her father’s hips slapping against her as he thrust into her from behind.

Little Suze leaned harder against her, breaking her train of thought. Susan smiled and reached up to pet the small version of herself, enjoying distraction of feeling the super-fine long hair on its head. Little Suze wrapped its tail around two of her fingers for a moment and squeezed, a surprisingly strong hug from such a small creature.

“Ah.” Dr. Tannen watched this interaction and nodded. “What did you do then?”

Susan shrugged. “I stared for a few moments, stunned and not quite understanding, but I knew that what I was seeing was somehow _wrong._ Then I left. I guess they heard the door close, because a few minutes later my father came to my room to tuck me in and ask me not to tell my mother what I’d seen.”

“Did you comply?”

Susan shot him an incredulous look. “Of course not. That’s how I ended up in your offices the first time. I told Mother what I’d seen as soon as she returned from visiting Aunt Rachel.”

“Hmm.” Dr. Tannen looked thoughtful.

“What?” Susan scowled at Dr. Tannen.

Dr. Tannen didn’t respond to her annoyance. Instead he stared at his notes, looking thoughtful, but his eyes weren’t moving, so Susan was pretty sure he wasn’t actually reading. After a long moment, he looked up at her and said quietly, “There are a few discrepancies with what you told me at the time—”

“Like what?”

Dr. Tannen studied her for a moment, then shook his head. “I think it would probably be best for you to recall things on your own, at your own pace.”

Susan’s scowl deepened, but before she could snap at Dr. Tannen, Little Suze launched itself into the air to hover between them, facing Susan and somberly shaking its head.

That behavior was atypical enough to give her pause. Little Suze usually spent most of the time in therapy sessions out of sight behind Susan. It spent its time playing in the doll house, and occasionally providing Dr. Tannen with unorthodox but useful insights into Susan’s subconscious and moods. This direct interaction with the therapy session was unusual.

Susan’s scowl faded some, and she transferred her attention to the fairy doll. “What? What are you trying to say?” Then she shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Hell, you’re _me_ , what am _I_ trying to say?”

“Good questions,” said Dr. Tannen.

Susan sighed. “All right, all right, I get it. I’ll…leave it at that. For now.”

Dr. Tannen nodded, and Susan wondered if she was imagining things that for a brief moment he looked a little sad.

She shoved the memories back into the dark corner of her mind where she hid them, and tried to focus on more current issues.

 

* * *

 

“I think I know what woke me,” Susan said to Dr. Tannen a few sessions later.

“Beg pardon?”

Susan grimaced as she realized the comment was something of a non-sequitur, inasmuch that they had been discussing her concerns about living in a dorm with shared bathrooms, come fall.

“I was just thinking beyond the bathroom issue, thinking about roommates, and potentially having to hear their, uh, amorous activities.”

“And…this woke you…when?”

Susan sighed. “Sorry, I was just thinking back to what we were talking about a few weeks ago. About my father.”

Dr. Tannen nodded.

“I couldn’t recall why I went to my parents’ room that night. But…I think I heard them. Having sex. That’s what woke me in the first place.”

Dr. Tannen nodded again. “That sounds plausible.”

Susan frowned. “Plausible? Implying what, exactly?”

“That sounds reasonable. Possible.”

Susan sat back in her chair and stared at her therapist for a long moment. “Meaning…it’s not what actually happened?”

“Meaning that it’s certainly possible that that is what happened. I wasn’t there. You tell me.”

Susan thought back. Dr. Tannen’s phrasing made her question her memories about it. Was it just a plausible fiction she was telling herself? Was there some other cause or reason for her actions that night? If it was something else, why couldn’t she recall it? It _was_ mostly just a supposition on her part, she realized; not actual memory. Or rather, a supposition built on a fragment of a memory. Of a sound.

“I’m…not sure. I’m pretty sure I heard…something. A moan, or a whimper.” She blushed at the thought. “Though…that doesn't seem like it would have been loud enough to have awakened me down the hall, does it?”

“So when did you hear those noises?”

“I…guess it must have been when I opened the door? Or maybe that's what prompted me to open the door in the first place.”

“Who was making the noise?”

“ _What?”_ Susan stared at Dr. Tannen, taken aback. “Well, it certainly wasn't my _father_.” She shuddered at the notion of hearing her father moaning in the throes of passion. “Too…high pitched.”

“So, it was…” Dr. Tannen left the sentence hanging.

Susan frowned at him. “ _Her_ , of course.”

“Of course.”

Susan stared at Dr. Tannen, puzzled by his wording. “Yes…” she said slowly. “There was no one else it could have been.”

Dr. Tannen nodded.

Susan continued to stare at Dr. Tannen for a long, silent minute, before shaking her head, dismissing the train of thought. “ _Anyway_. As I was saying. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope if I end up in a dorm with communal showers. I doubt I could list a private bathroom as a medical requirement, as much as I might wish I could…”

 

* * *

 

“I…had an odd interaction with Sarah this week.” Then Susan blushed. Given all the odd ways she _already_ interacted with Sarah, that was a remarkably vague statement.

“Odd in what way?”

“We were talking about…something.” Susan paused, and frowned. “Huh. I can’t even recall what it was, now.” She thought about it for a moment longer, then shook her head. “In any event. Something that I said prompted Sarah to laugh and say, “Okay, whatever you say, Tiffany.” She stopped and frowned, feeling frustrated. “I mean, I _know_ she was joking. It wasn’t malicious. There was nothing for me to get…annoyed at.”

“Annoyed at?”

Susan blushed and looked away. “Well, angry at.” She bit her lip. “Furious, actually,” she admitted quietly. “Though I tried to hide it. Tried to play it off as a joke, but…I don’t think Sarah bought it.” She buried her face in her hands and rubbed it for a moment, then sat back up straighter and brushed her hair back behind her ears. “It just…the rage. Came out of nowhere. For no good reason.”

“Triggered by…?”

“The use of my first name, of course. Given that I can’t recall anything else from that conversation.”

“And why should that make you furious, Tiffany?”

Susan jerked back in her seat, feeling stung. “ _Don’t,”_ she snarled, without thought, then she blushed in furious embarrassment.

Dr. Tannen seemed unmoved and unsurprised by her sudden vitriol. He just sat and watched her, patiently waiting for her to calm down.

Susan pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “Sorry,” she said quietly. “You just…caught me off-guard.” She gave Dr. Tannen a sad smile. “You’re supposed to be a safe space for me.”

At that, Dr. Tannen actually flushed. “You’re right. Provoking you that way was…perhaps unwise. Unprofessional. I apologize. I won’t use that name again unless you ask me to.”

Susan gave a bitter laugh. “I can’t _ever_ imagine asking you to. Once was more than enough.”

“Leaving aside the question of whether or not I _should_ have addressed you so…can you tell me why you reacted the way you did?”

Susan took a calming breath and tried to think back. “I…there was no reason. No _conscious_ reason. It was an immediate reaction. Instinctive.”

“Instincts are in-born. I don’t think an aversion to your given first name is in-born.”

Susan snorted. “I suppose not.”

“So your reaction was immediate, on the _level_ of an instinctive reaction. But the question remains of why? What ‘instinct’ provoked that reaction?”

“I just…hate my first name. I’ve looked into the paperwork that would be required to legally change it, now that I’m eighteen, though I haven’t taken any steps, yet.”

“And where does that hatred come from?”

Susan shrugged. “From my father, obviously.” She grimaced, and added sarcastically, “Isn’t he the root of all my problems?”

“Not _all_ , but…I would say you can lay a fair number of them at his feet, yes.”

Susan sighed. “He called me Tiffany. He picked out that name when I was born. Mother usually called me “Honey” or “Sweetie” when I was young, rarely used my name. Father…always did.”

“So your first name is strongly associated with your father. Which infuriated you when I, or Sarah, addressed you so.” He cocked his head curiously. “Did your response to Sarah’s use of that name feel the same as your response to my doing so?”

“Ah…no.” Susan frowned in thought for a moment. “You both…pissed me off, but you also…scared me. I guess.”

“You guess?”

Susan brushed her hair back behind her ear, feeling frustrated with her own vague responses. “Yeah. You did. I don’t know why. Maybe because I trust you? Didn’t expect you to do that, to me?”

Dr. Tannen nodded. “I am sorry for that,” he said again.

Susan tried to smile at him. “It’s all right. We all make mistakes, right?”

“True.”

 

* * *

 

“I had a disturbing dream this week,” Susan told Dr. Tannen at their next session. She scowled. “Actually, the past few weeks most of my dreams have gotten…unsettling. I don’t usually remember them when I wake up, but I wake up out of sorts. Grumpy.”

“But you recalled one of these disturbing dreams? Or was that just a general statement?”

Susan shook her head. “I remember one. And I don’t even know why it disturbed me so much.”

“What do you remember?”

“I was a young girl. Dancing. It almost felt like a memory, though I’m pretty sure I never had a pink tutu like that.” She gave Dr. Tannen a slightly embarrassed smile. “Although I certainly wanted one. When I was little.”

Dr. Tannen smiled back. “So, why is a memory of dancing disturbing?”

Susan ran a hand through her hair. “That’s the weird part. I’m not sure why it felt disturbing, it just did, in that unsettling dream way.”

“What were you doing, exactly? Where were you?”

“I was dancing in front of a full-length mirror, watching myself dance. Sometimes I was on one side of the mirror, and sometimes on the other. Though I don’t know how I knew that.” She shrugged. “Dream logic.” She frowned for a moment as she visualized the dream. “I just realized something else. My hair was black. Even though I was actually blonde, when I was that age.”

“Hmm. Why do you think that is?”

Susan shrugged. “I’ve had black hair for so long now, it’s just part of my default self-image, I suppose? I’ve had black hair longer than I had blonde hair.”

Dr. Tannen nodded. “Logical.”

Susan shot him a look. “Logic doesn’t always apply, with dreams.”

Dr. Tannen smiled at that. “True, but that doesn’t mean it _never_ does. Unless you for some reason think it doesn’t, in this case?”

Susan sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Did the dream take place anywhere in particular?”

Susan closed her eyes to try and re-visualize her memory of the dream. “I don’t…um. Maybe it was my parents’ bedroom? They had a large mirror on one wall that I sometimes danced in front of.” She opened her eyes and smiled at Dr. Tannen. “Though without that lovely pink tutu.”

“So you actually used to dance there?”

“Yeah. It used to be fun to watch myself.”

“Used to be?”

Susan frowned. “I…don’t much care for watching myself in a mirror.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I…” She trailed off. She had been about to answer, with _something_ , but she couldn’t recall what it was she’d been about to say.

“You?” Dr. Tannen prompted gently.

“I…” The image of herself dancing in the mirror floated through her mind’s eye. She stared, unseeing, at Dr. Tannen, as images and memories cascaded into place, suddenly linking up in a way that finally made complete and logical sense. She felt as if she was watching her physical reaction from outside of her own body, as her face went pale and everything _clicked_ into place. She started to shiver, although she felt flushed and hot.

“My father…didn’t cheat on my mother with another woman.”

Dr. Tannen was quiet a moment, studying her, then he said quietly, “No.”

Susan’s stomach knotted tight, bile rising in her throat. She swallowed it down. “That woman I saw. The blonde woman he was having sex with. Who was whimpering. It wasn’t…some stranger.”

“No. It wasn’t.” Dr. Tannen’s voice was unusually soft and compassionate.

Susan had to forcibly unclench her jaw in order to speak. “I didn’t see her from the doorway, did I?” she whispered, both needing and not needing to hear the answer.

“No. You didn’t.”

Susan closed her eyes and curled up into a little ball, pulling her knees up to hug them tight to her chest. She felt Little Suze land on her shoulder, but she ignored it.

“It was the mirror.”

It only _felt_ like an eternity before Dr. Tannen spoke again, almost as quietly as herself.

“Yes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely an AU stand-alone one-shot, not related to any other story I've written.


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